Assertion - the art of getting what you want

Assertion techniques is about learning behavior and skills that will ensure you are neither submissive or aggressive, but more calm in the middle. Most of the time we are "pleasers" to avoid confrontation - often because we fear the outcome and trouble. Very little is gained by being submissive - you wont get what you want. On the other side, aggressive behavior may give us what we want in the short run but all foundation for future negotiation and collaboration is undermined. Again, very little is gained by being aggressive - we may get some of the things we want in the short run but will most often be met with obstruction, reluctance and limited chance of getting cooperation in the future.

The answer is to be assertative - calm, communicate, to the point and aware of your own needs.

The very good video "Straight Talking" by Video Arts (pagelink videoclip) in the UK shows with John Cleese as the instructor how to be assertative. The video has been shown in television in some countries, including Denmark. The following are the key concepts from this video.

• Be Honest
  To ensure communication we need to be honest about what we want, how we feel and speak up for ourselves. This is the first step to ensure we can clearly understand what all parties want and to avoiding being submissive.
  • Divide your fears by four - The thought of being honest often makes us fear that this will lead to confrontation and a horrible outcome. But the fact of the matter is that the result is only partial as bad as we expect, so divide your worst expectations by four to predict the real worst case scenario.
• About what's Relevant
  Honesty, however, does not mean we should be emotional about it and that we can say anything we feel. If we keep the communication to things that are relevant, we stand a much better chance of not being emotional and causing emotional and defensive responses from the people we deal with. So by being honest about what's relevant, we ensure we have clear communication.
• And stick to your Bottom Line
  Before or when you deal with people, you should take time, pause for a minute or prepare up front to clearly figure out what is not negotiable (and what is negotiable) and then stick to that bottom line. This ensures you will not make concessions you do not want to make.
  • Instant Replay - Calmly and politely repeat your standpoint if the other side does not want to accept or understand your non-negotiable items. It may sound stupid to use the "replay button" over and over again, but if the other side sees that you cannot be manipulated or persuaded and they feel stupid for not "understanding" your answer the first time they will soon give up pushing you.
  • Suggest Alternative Solutions - Make sure to point out, that you are not rejecting the person, but only rejecting the current request. To enforce this use empathy, sympathy and actively help finding alternative solutions to solve the problem.
  • Imagine the other side has had the worst day ever - This seemingly stupid technique will help ensure you wont get emotional and loose your own control, but also help keep you being empathetic and sympathetic to the other side.

  These 3 steps of Assertion ensures you have the best chance of getting what You want and that you have exhorted all options to find a solution if you fail in finding a common acceptable solution.

Another great source is the Total Success website (link) that points out:

• Acknowledge and be honest about your own feelings to yourself
• Adopt new positive inner dialogue for situations where you need to be more assertive
• Be clear, specific and direct in what you say
• If necessary, keep repeating your message if you encounter objections
• If necessary ask for clarification if you are uncertain about something
• If necessary, acknowledge diversion tactics, then again repeat your message
• Adopt appropriate body language to back up your assertion
• Keep calm and stick to the point
• Always respect the rights of the other person

Sources/Links:

Video Arts: "Straight Talking"
Video Arts: "Say what you want"
Learning to be assertative
Total Success: Assertiveness Skills